Do you ever wish you possessed greater communication skills? The first place to start developing this powerful tool is by implementing active listening. In this episode, Lori and Jimmy share four skills that will take your listening skills to greater heights.
Episode Keys:
- How to show your attention and nonverbal responses to the other person or persons.
- Why you must be careful and skillful in asking probing questions to retain interest in the other person.
- When to ask clarifying questions during a conversation.
- Why you should reflect the feelings and be attuned to the other party’s nonverbal communications.
- Who you may become by honing this skill and commanding the room whenever you arrive to an event!
Podcast Transcription:
JW:
You know, one of the hardest things we men have to conquer. I mean, one of these skills that we just have to learn is active listening. Oh man, that’s just such a drain on a man, you know, to have to sit there and just listen as your better half spouse, girlfriend, whatever is talking to you about the latest fashions in New York or something like that. But Hey, that’s okay. I’m gonna teach you today with the help of my cohost, the most here at live life by design. Let’s give it up for my friend, Lori, if you, how are you, Lori?
LF:
I’m good. I don’t have a listening problem.
JW:
We’re gonna talk about that. See women think they don’t have listening problems. We’re gonna talk about that though, as to why you do and you just don’t admit it. So I gotta tell you, Lori springtime my favorite time of the year. It’s gotta be honest. I love the new growth that’s gonna be coming out soon. Right now. We’re still in the doldrums winter, but think March is coming. April’s coming. So it’s gonna be a good year I think.
LF:
Something to look forward to.
JW:
To. Absolutely. Let’s get outta these doldrums of what’s going on in the world and kick it into gear with springtime. I do wanna say here and live life by design. We are so honored to have a few moments of every Monday morning, just so you can start your week out with what you need, the good, the pure, the powerful message that you are good enough. You just wanna be bigger, better and bold. This is the show for you because Lori few brings all three of those to every episode.
LF:
No pressure.
JW:
None at all. She’s drank about four cup of coffee already. She is ready to go.
LF:
I’m caffeinated. I am ready to roll.
JW:
She’s pumped up folks. I am telling you, and I’m not talking about her shoes. Sound effects, air courtesy of Jimmy Williams. Hey, no, listen guys. Hey, thank you for joining us. But on a serious note, Lori, there is this kind of unwritten misunderstanding about how men and women have certain numbers of words that are different between the two sexes that men don’t have listening skills women. Do I wanna tell you that’s always a misnomer it’s across the board. It’s a fallacy to Bo leave that one sex has better listening skills than the other, but I do wanna bring a quote out that I found in a book and you’re gonna love the title of this book before we get started. It says though, the quote working males average 2000 to 3000 words per day, females from 10,000 to 20,000 words per day, the source of the is the books called men are pigs. Fortunately women like pork. True, true story. That’s a book. Oh
LF:
My . I might have to put that on my reading list. You know, I’m, I’m trying to do better in 2022 and create my own reading list. I think I might need that one. It that’s an interesting figure. That’s that’s quite a, is it cause women get up earlier. We just say more things during the day or
JW:
I I’m gonna be honest with you. I’m a little skeptical of the numbers. I don’t think those are scientifically based. And that’s not Promac evidence by being studied. In empirically. I, I think that’s just some guy trying to sell a book. So well,
LF:
He has my attention just with the title. So we’ll start there. He did,
JW:
You know, my grandmother and grandfather had to, of course wore dentures and they were quite aging and I’ll never forget. My grandfather always said, boy, I’ll tell you I got up this morning. And I just started talking at 5:00 AM. He’s an early riser like me. He just said, I I’d started talking and I couldn’t quit talking all the way through breakfast. And I talked all the way through lunch and I talked all the way through working in the afternoon, he worked on a farm and I said, well, why are you talking so much, bill grandpa? He said, well, I figured it out about dinner time said I went in there at dinner time to go eat and I washed up and washed my face and I looked, I had your grandmother’s dentures in anyway. So
LF:
Well, that’s a visual on a Monday morning. That’s
JW:
A, , that’s a bad one. Hey, let’s talk about a few of these key active listening skills our listeners will need to learn. And how do you learn these? You practice these and I’ll be honest with you. I’m working on this. This is one of my big, hairy audacious goals for 2020 to Lori is to be a better active listener. So let’s take a couple of these. So the first thing you have to learn is to be attentive. Now that doesn’t mean attentive to yourself. That means attentive to, to whomever you are speaking with. Now, I love this. People get carried away and say, I’m speaking to someone I like to correct my team. And I go, you know, you’re not speaking to me. You’re speaking with me. Communication takes a receiver and a Transer, someone to transmit someone to receive. So Lori, how would you rate, let’s just talk about it in true terms, cuz we don’t ever wanna lie to our listeners about anything. This isn’t fo Paul, this is real stuff. How would you rate Justin beloved husband on his active listening skills now? Zero to five.
LF:
Oh my goodness. Let’s hope HES either. He’s let’s hope he’s not gonna listen to this podcast.
JW:
Don’t
LF:
Far would say probably middle of the road three, because there’s always room for improvement. He does do well depending on the time of day the day of the week. So and depending on what’s going on I, I would say solid three.
JW:
Yeah. You know, so I’m gonna be honest. Ms. Williams rated me a three and she said the same thing you ladies must practice this. So she says, I can tell when you’re in work mode, if I call you at the office during the day and I have a discussion, I need your full attention. She says, I can tell through the phone, by my voice inflection, by my pausing, whatever she knows. I’m not fully engaged now that’s powerful. You ladies know a lot of stuff.
LF:
Well, and I, I, I absolutely agree with her. I mean, I’ve had conversations, not just with my spouse, but other people where I felt it was very important to go ahead and have whatever conversation it was I needed to have. And you know, it’s almost like looking through the, into the other person’s brain and you automatically can tell they’re just not a hundred percent there. So I’ve kind of learned as a general rule of thumb. If it’s not something extremely important or life altering, if it can wait until I’m face to face it, it does so much more justice for the conversation. And you don’t have to repeat yourself. You don’t have to go back and recount what you said and what they said. And it’s really sad. Cause telephone communication was one of the most earth shattering pivotal forms of communication when the telephone was invented
JW:
Right after that carrier, you know, they did that pigeon for a long time,
LF:
A message in about that’s. Yeah. And so I, I, I definitely think that that’s the telephone and, and you women can tell, I mean, maybe men can tell too. I, I don’t know. Well,
JW:
No, I can tell. I can tell when I get home and I’ve got something on my mind because of work, for example, that I need to share with, with D my beloved wife of 34 and a half years. But what I wanted is I wanna share stuff with her and I can tell she’s got something that the girls, our daughters have got her working on or she’s stewing on or something, because I can just tell, because she’s just got giving me plastic answers like this. Okay, honey. Well, yeah, whatever, whatever you want, honey. Yes. You know, Dodge, it never going to yes or no. Right. And so at the end of the day, be attentive and I’ll tell you something than two Lori that we need to be careful of, not just on the phone, but when we’re in person with someone that person you’re talking to and their eyes are darting all over the place, same time looking around, you know, that look I gotta be honest with you. I don’t feel like they’re being attentive to me in my conversation. If that’s happening.
LF:
I absolutely agree. I’ve actually stopped conversations and, and said, you know, if you’re busy, I I’ll come back or I’ll weigh this sec. You know, I don’t wanna interrupt anything. And I think that some of that comes from, we are so tied to communication. We want communication instantly. We want it right now. And we can have it on multiple platforms. You can have your landline. If you still have a landline or an office phone, you’ll
JW:
Have to, I’m not sure some of our list is that the thing you and say, Sarah, I need the drug. Sarah, listen,
LF:
Year old’s in life where the phone wasn’t you know, we take that for granted, just talking about that. I mean, I can specifically remember my mother telling me, and it’s during a thunderstorm at the age of 14 to get off the phone. And I was having a serious conversation with someone at the time. I don’t even remember. And after the third threat of no, I’m serious, get off the phone. She walked into my room with a pair of kitchen scissors and cut my phone line. And you would’ve thought she cut off my arm. I mean, hysterical, crying my lifeline to the outside world. Like I had never left the house before. And she made it’s, it’s something that is the piece of communication. That’s pivotal that I learned that day from my mother was, I mean, business and I had to earn and save enough money to buy a replacement phone cord before I could talk to people again on the telephone. That’s pretty funny, but I digress in telling that story and
JW:
No, I love that’s very appropriate. So I would say to you, you weren’t being attentive to your mother. It’s a great point there.
LF:
Exactly, exactly. But yes, we can have multiple distractions and when it comes to communication, because we’re so instantly tied to everything and computers and cell phones and, and office phones and different things. And so it really is important that you pay attention to the person that’s talking to you because that might be the most important moment of their day. And they just need half a second to communicate to you what they need. Oh,
JW:
That is great advice. Well, what’s another skill Laurie, on your list of skills maybe that we need to have. Oh
LF:
Goodness. One of my big one is you’ve got to be able to give positive nonverbal feedback. I
JW:
Always, I always give nonverbal, oh, that’s good.
LF:
That’s good. It’s you can be attentive and be looking at someone. But if you have that body language that you are disgusted or frustrated or bored, that person just automatically can shut down and their lies, the problem, you’ll never get to the bottom of the issue. You’ll never be able to make a decision with your team or move forward or feel like that person has any value to that conversation. If they feel like your face is telling a completely different story, your lips are moving, but your face and your body language is telling something else. So smiling, nodding looking, the person in the eyes is so important to feel, to make that person feel like what they’re saying is important. You know, they could be presenting to a room of 200 people, but if they connect with that one person right in front of them in a positive way, it just sets the tone for the rest of the day or the rest of that or presentation for that person. And it’s just, it’s kinda a nice thing to do.
JW:
And if they’re not really tuned in, you know, being attuned and using their, their, you know, basically their emotions, as well as their verbal cues that they’re giving you in conversation, you’ll notice it too, because you may say something that is, of course shouldn’t be respond with a smile or a laughter and that person kind of giggle and say, oh yeah, I see that happen. You know? And it may have been, you told ’em something really bad, you know, that, that you experienced it. So I agree. They have to be attuned. And I think the other thing too, is, is the posture of the person. If I see someone that’s kind of slumped over on one leg and I’m kind of, boy, they’re not engaged in this conversation at all, you know? So I think you’re absolutely right. And so that facial cue, so a question, I guess, a little trivia here for our subscribers, you probably know this, Lori, what percentage of our daily communication is nonverbal?
LF:
Oh goodness. I would say at least 75. Yeah.
JW:
The scientists say 87% of everything we communicate is through nonverbal means not verbal. Now think about that. So, you know, when people say, well, I can size that person up already. They are really picking up on some cues about maybe they’re upset, eyebrows down your forehead, scowl and, and the of smiles pursed. And, and, and you got your arms folded across your chest. I mean, these things like that, people pick up on these nonverbal communication cues. I’ll never forget I was in undergrad school and I had to take a speech class. And I’ll be honest with you. I love speaking. So I sail through it don’t wanna brag, but anyway, so I I’m sitting there and, and they have a young lady who is supposed to be letting us kind of provide some valuation, some feedback to what she’s doing without even saying a word.
JW:
Her speech was just to say through nonverbal means what she was thinking, feeling, understanding, whatever. And she stood up there and, I said, she’s visibly upset. And I think it’s at the faster for this homework. And she nods her head, you know? So, and my point is that she had her arms crossed, her eyebrows were down. She had this kinda eye Pty looking face and, and her toe, now you women have this thing and I cannot do it cause you have to be female to do this, but you stand flat footed on one, let’s say ATS your right foot. But your left foot crosses a little angle. Not quite you know, obtuse from the right foot, but you know, perpendicular almost, but, and then she’s tapping the toe while the heel touches the right foot. That is straight ahead. What’s that about Lori? Is that something they teach you ladies somewhere?
LF:
Well, first of all, that description was almost way too much math with this early in the morning. I’m just gonna tell you I was some visual notes over here, references. No, I visualized you that whole scenario. Cause I found myself I do it all the time and maybe it’s a secret society thing that we do that we don’t share with anyone.
JW:
Don’t tell me if you gotta kill me, Lori. Don’t tell me if you gotta kill me. OK.
LF:
Maybe it’s cause women always feel like maybe not now, but I know in previous generations, in conversations with my grandmother, women always felt like they had to be a bigger presence in the room to be noticed or to be heard or to understood. I feel like we’ve made huge advancements in that conversation that women can be in the room and have a seat at the table and do all the things that the men can do. Maybe that’s maybe that’s why I dunno.
JW:
I will tell you though, she gathered a great grade earned a great grade during that that course I’ll never forget that. Cuz the professor said he didn’t wanna make her mad taking any homework, you know, I thought that was funny. You know, one of the other areas, one of the skills I should say for active listening for our li for our group is to hear people ask probing questions, you know, that says you’re engaged in something. You know, if, if I say, Hey, you know, Lori, I heard your son had been ill or had fallen off the playground, broke his arm, what’s going on, you know, ask interesting questions that don’t focus on yourself. That narcissism is the key to where people think so highly of themselves. They only talk in the singular pronoun or whatever. But that to me is very important. If I want to know about Lori’s life, I need to ask Lori probing questions. What’s your thoughts.
LF:
I agree. I, and, but it’s really, it’s a difficult balance because when you get into conversations in different circles and different areas of your personal professional life sometimes, and even being a woman and a mom, the conversation tends to lead back to yourself. People ask about you, they ask about your family and then you start talk about yourself. And you know, we, we talk about this amongst the women’s circles, if you will you know, reading the room, just making sure that it doesn’t turn into a one sided conversation. It’s, it’s difficult at times because women also are on the other side of that, where we don’t wanna talk about ourselves. We don’t wanna talk about our successes, which I find ludicrous. I, I am the biggest person in the world to start off a meeting or a conversation or a round table with tell me something good.
LF:
Tell me something you’re celebrating. Tell me something you’ve accomplished. To me that’s important. And I know that, you know, some people can look at that as, oh, I don’t really wanna brag or, you know, I don’t really have anything, but if you dig deep, you can find something. And I love a good probing question conversation at times, because it really gives you some insight. You can change a whole dynamic in a room. You can change a whole outcome of a pitch or a presentation or change the tone completely of the way you were going in a particular project. Just based on the questions that you’re willing to ask. All, all the people in
JW:
The room. I gotta tell you, there’s a few questions you ladies ask us men particularly spouses or significant others. And they’re very probing and we don’t appreciate it. So men, unlike women, don’t really like a deeply probing question perhaps from spouses, maybe from their guy friends, but one of those would be, and maybe you can help me understand this of those is honey, does this dress make me look fat now? Either way you go, it’s a trap. Right? Am I right guys, everybody out there. Okay. So why do you ladies ask us such entrapment questions? I have no idea.
LF:
I thinks we know that the answer you gonna be thoughtful and considerate and maybe that’s just what we’re looking for.
JW:
But we wanna stay in our homes and we wanna sleep in our beds. I mean
LF:
Lie to me, you know?
JW:
Yeah. That’s it. That’s it, sweetheart. Did you turn sideways? Where honey? Where are you? Exactly. Oh, they cracking the wall. Oh my gosh. Well, you know another one I think is, is good too. And, and I’ll let you ask yours after this, but I think too, if we, if we think about clarifying things, you know, we men, if we’re not listening closely, we’ll take your statement. And with our backgrounds may come to a whole different conclusion of what you said than what you meant. Have you ever had that happen?
LF:
Yes. Oh my goodness. I think that, that happens a lot and more, I feel like more people are afraid to approach that subject. They wait till the end or they wait till afterwards. It’s like, see me after class. I have a question, you know, because people are too afraid to ask for clarification on the front end, but sometimes what I’ve found and as awkward as it may be is that I’m not afraid anymore to do that because if I’m having that same struggle, then someone else in the room is too. And I’ve had people come up to me and say, oh goodness, I’m so glad you asked that again because I, I was completely lost. And so I always just tell people, don’t be afraid own it. You’re not the one in the room.
JW:
No, exactly. And so what, you know, as a good leader, if we’re gonna talk about our teams and you’re talking about communication with your team, you want to have great listing skills there as well. Well, one thing you gotta do when it comes to this type of arrangement of, Hey did they understand what I meant? They didn’t ask clarity on it. Our job is to make the, the statement so clear that they maybe shouldn have to, but if you didn’t, they should feel free to ask. You know, that’s the one thing I always tell a new person that comes on board in our, our team is always say, look, I’m just one of the other team members that has a different role. And you can ask me anything you want that’s of a professional nature related to your position or something I’ve asked you to do to get a certain outcome. And, and I mean that to ’em. And so in a very respectful way, they always come up and go, no, listen, how would you approach this? Or how would you, what do you want the final outcomes to look at? Look like, and I, and that’s kind of key to being clear in the intentions of instruction. So that means a biggie.
LF:
I think that is, it’s a very big one and along those same lines and we’re, you know, we’re talking about clarification. One of the things that as far as communication for me, that I’ve had to learn and work on myself is avoid interrupting and wait till the right time to interject something as yeah.
JW:
Yeah. I know what you mean there, Laura. Yeah. Let’s get on something else. No, I agree with you. I agree. That was a joke folks. You, I did not mean you this wonderful lady. No, you’re
LF:
Absolutely right, but that’s the point. Yeah. I, I mean, and, and we, by nature as children were inquisitive and, and so when it starts out, it’s not meant to be rude or, you know, to interrupt, but, you know, I can remember growing up my grandmother, you know, that was the big, big thing. Like don’t interrupt, Don interrupt, don’t interrupt. And so at certain you just have to know when to hold that thought. And sometimes we don’t, sometimes we get over excited and we just kind of blurt things out and, you know, you kind of take a minute to kind of catch your breath and think, oh, okay, maybe that wasn’t the right time. Cuz there again, that nonverbal communication from the rest of the people in the room are gonna tell you real quick. But just progressively working on things like that, you know, knowing the right time, being able to read the room, being respectful of other people’s time and position and opportunity. And knowing that if you have something like I always walk into a meeting with a notepad. I never computers are great. Phones are great. I don’t take notes on my phone during meetings because I’m afraid that people are gonna misinterpret that as texting or being distracted. So I always wanna make sure that I take a notepad. And when someone says something that triggers a thought, instead of interrupting, I just try to write it down and you know, wait for the right time to ask that question. You
JW:
Know, Lori, this is a great one you brought up and, and the issue boils down too, is that person that always has the one upsmanship, you know, I really can’t take that one either. So, so not only do they interrupt you, they go, but yeah, but Hey, lemme tell you what I did on my vacation. You ever have those kind?
LF:
Well,
JW:
Okay. So yeah, no, maybe a bad example.
LF:
No, I follow you. I, I need, I wanna go on a vacation, you
JW:
Know, if you got a car with a, a three 50 engine, oh, well I got a 600 horse, you know, whatever. They always have one better than you. And it seems like that person’s not a very good active Lister, cuz you’re really not talking about a car that wasn’t the point they brought up a discussion, you answered something back now they’ve vaulted you back one bigger. And it’s almost like just continuing to go one up on the other party. To me that’s not really communication or active. Listen, you know what I mean? It’s almost antagonizing.
LF:
Yes. And it really can turn, it can turn an entire attitude and entire behavior. And sometimes it’s hard to get that back, especially, you know, in a, in a di family dynamic, even that, you know, it can just ruin the whole conversation.
JW:
I think you can be a good leader and you can be a, a, a good parent. I think you can be a good mate. All of that without having to show that you’re superior in whatever you purchased, actions, you’ve taken words. You’ve, I mean, you don’t, don’t have to one up anybody to me, it’s great to have a relationship where we’re on the level playing field. If that makes sense.
LF:
And I think that’s key. I think everybody wants to have that mutual respect on the same footing, walk into a room and be equals with everybody in the room. It just opens that door to have great, solid, open communication. And for people to actively listen and participate, it, it, it just makes the whole environment 10 times more workable and, and definitely more productive.
JW:
I agree. Any last comments you can think of that we can help our listeners to get the skills for active listening under control and exercise.
LF:
I really being present. I mean, we, we talk about that a lot on the podcast, but that’s one of the main goals in life is just be present. I feel like if you’re there and, and you’re willing and you’re open and you’re positive to listening and being part of a conversation, that’s half the battle just being present, being mindfully, ready to do and conquer and challenge the in the day in the month and the year,
JW:
You know, I’m gonna start wearing my steel toe boots when we record these things. Cause you step all over my toes with comments like that. Oh gosh. Being, that’s a big for me, Lori. That’s
LF:
A biggie. Well, yeah. I mean, and that’s good. That should be, but someone’s gonna try to keep you in check.
JW:
Jimmy, let me tell you, it takes a big marker. Keep me in check.That’s a bad joke. OK. That’s a bad joke. I need
LF:
A big marker.
JW:
Ms. Williams has one of those super permanent markers. Those biggies take two heads to right with all. So Hey ladies and gentlemen, she is absolutely right. That’s a great one, a great skill to learn. And, and I’ll be very honest with everyone here as I am every week here, it is a challenge for me sometimes to be present with all the things I have in my world. I just have to remember that the world does not evolve around me as Ms. Williams reminds me. So this world evolve on you or does it evolve around Justin?
LF:
No, I a little bit, little bit. Well, I’m not gonna lie on that one.
JW:
Lori’s giving you the unvarnished truth today. The unvarnished truth. Hey folks, if you wanna learn some new skills this year in 2022, we’re gonna be sharing some of these new goals for what we’re looking at and growing as people learning to communicate better. I really believe that if we learn to communicate better with our neighbor in our home, in our offices, you see communications, what retains and gains the peace of the world that we all see. We just don’t need to be under misunderstood, need to gain that communication skill that we all could use and, and utilize for that purpose. So be attentive in your conversations with that other person, be attentive and then ask those probing questions that are pertinent to the conversation. Topic that you’re taking a serious interest in that person be attuned to and reflect those feelings that on verbal, that crossing the arms, be careful with things that could be negatively construed by the other person. And, you know, request clarification were necessary. This is a key to understanding and remember, it’s not communication. If it’s not transmitted and understood by the person receiving the communication, it’s simply to talking. So Lori, with that, how about you close us out this week? Any last words
LF:
I want everybody to go out and have a great week and live a life by design.
JW:
I like the way you ended that have a good week. Everyone.
