Lori and Jimmy tackle difficult questions that must be asked of your life partner to create a bond of trust. These questions are not new, but how you pose the questions and the proper attitude in which the discussion is held make a tremendous difference in the outcomes. A little humor, a lot of fun, and serious business, all rolled into one episode will help you become a better partner and gain a significant understanding of each other’s thinking about money.
Episode Keys:
- Why it seems so difficult for couples to discuss money when each of you hold a different approach to use of the funds.
- How to broach the subject with your significant other in a manner that is nonconfrontational.
- When and what frequency you should be discussing your finances with each other.
- Help each other understand the definition of “emergency” and how to support each other in the process.
- Learn Jimmy’s secret to sharing money concepts and ideas with your mate that brings greater harmony to the relationship.
Podcast Transcript
LF:
Hello! This is Lori Few –
JW:
And Jimmy Williams. Lori, it has been fantastic for the last three years sharing important information and ideas about what we do at Live a Life By Design with everyone across the planet that’s been listening.
LF:
Welcome to the new and improved Live a Life By Design podcast. Jimmy and I are glad you joined us today as we embrace a new format that helps our listeners live the life of their design, as well as tackling the hard issues of financial planning that keep you from realizing your goals and dreams. After 200 episodes, we heard from many of our thousands of listeners, and the common theme was how to deal with our finances to give us a better probability for success in life.
JW:
So Lori, I’ve got some tough questions for you and I’m sure you’ll have some for me, but you and I have been married to different people for a long time. I, for much, much longer. I wanted to clarify that for our listeners because Lori says, “Hey, wait a minute, pal. I didn’t sign on for that.” So you don’t want some of this, huh, Lori? Ok.
LF:
No, no.
JW:
Trouble, trouble in walking distance right here now. Oh, so, so, no, we really got a couple of questions for you today. We’re gonna tackle, Lori, if you don’t mind, three questions of a financial matter. You should ask your mate, your life partner, the person you’re gonna spend time with. What are those three most important questions that you should know about how your husband thinks and he should know about how you think about finances?
LF:
Oh, finances. You know, it’s one of those topics that’s definitely not discussed during the dating phase or the first meet phase. I think that finances should definitely be talked about. If I could reverse almost 20 years ago, I probably, I probably would’ve said, “well, what’s your credit score?” Because now credit scores matter.
JW:
You know, the first thing I walked up to my then girlfriend to be, and I saw this beautiful blonde with blue eyes, just this gorgeous cheeks with those dimples on them. And I went up to her and I said, “Hey, they’re hot stuff. What’s your net worth?” No, to me, I think it might put a damper on the relationship, but not really. So let’s talk a little bit about that on a more serious nature. If I were to say to you, how would you answer this question, Lori, here it goes. Putting you on the hot seat. First thing here this first new episode with our format. Here’s the question. Would you think it would be important for a relationship to have understanding of how each of the two people think about their finances?
LF:
Yes, absolutely. I think that we should probably do a better job educating our young people just as we talk about you know, when we’re, when they’re young about relationships and people and making connections and making, you know, meaningful interactions or partnerships in any phase of life. We should definitely talk about finances and why it’s important. I think so many times we overlook that because we don’t think that kids or young people have a concept of money or what it means to have worth or wealth or how to plan for their future. I, I absolutely would’ve benefited from those conversations when I was that age. I really don’t think I truly understood what money or finances were until after I was married. So yes, definitely yes on that. Yeah.
JW:
You know, and one of the things – just to add a little bit of commentary to that question – for me, it is so vital, I think, to the success and a big part of the communication as a whole. So a as a mate, you wanna be able to communicate all aspects of life. Becuase it’s like I tell my wife, I’ve got nothing to hide. And after 35+ years of marriage now, she can tell you if I’m trying to hide something, I’d hate to have her at a poker table where she’s the dealer and I’m just playing in Vegas. Because she’s gonna say, look, I know this guy’s going to go down here, take all of his money. I’m it’s outta here. But the point of it is, is that communication factor is so critical, I think early in the phases of a marriage, because like you said, hey, if we could roll the clock back 20 years, many people get started in a relationship. And, and to be very honest, the male a lot of times is wanting to be that provider. And you know, I know that sounds so crazy nowadays to say it, but back in the day in the eighties when I was married, you know, you wanted to take care of your family. That was my role right? Now we know of course, that, that both men and women can have a very active role and, and sometimes, you know, some of our clients, to be very honest, the ladies bring the breadwinners. The gentlemen are staying home and taking care of the needs there. And at the end of the day, that communication, had it not started properly, may have caused some wrinkles in that marriage or that, you know, life partnership.
LF:
So now I have a question for you, Jimmy.
JW:
Oh boy.
LF:
Okay. Are you ready?
JW:
As ready as I’ll ever be, Lori, because you always ask some difficult questions. All right, go ahead.
LF:
Well, is this, is it, this question is a thought provoking question because I think there could be a lot of our listeners that see this question in a different way. So do you think that it is important to talk not only about spending money – cause you know, we talk about that a lot obviously – do you think it’s important also to talk about not just how we spend our money, but how we earn our money?
JW:
Oh, definitely. So, well, for example, I’ve always been an advocate to say that it’s not just the distribution of it, but it’s the accumulation of assets that’s important for a couple, right? So, so you can’t just spend everything you make. I’m not an advocate for that. So we actually sat down in our young marriage and attempted, and I’m gonna say attempted because we failed on a few attempts. But here’s, here’s the thing I tell people, you didn’t really fail if it worked somewhat. I just didn’t succeed completely, but I didn’t fail completely either. So we attempted to save my wife’s salary while we were newlyweds cuz we wanted that first home, you know. So you, so you have to have goals, right? So you’re talking about those goals, this is why it’s critical. So we didn’t go spend money on things, as you said, you know, your question. But we saw that bigger goal of how quickly can we get outta this apartment, which was like a little two bedroom apartment and get into the home of our desire. And that was the reason we kept that big goal up there. Now, we did some things in our communication that I think are very helpful. First of all, you need to have the vision be so bright that it keeps it top of mind to you and it needs to be in a location that you’re gonna see it every day. So yes, don’t laugh. Back in the day we had, you know, refrigerators that were made outta real metal so you could take magnets and we put our new homes kind of desire of what we wanted, cut it outta one of those home magazines, put it right there on the refrigerator. So we saw it every day when we went into the kitchen and you know, that just wet our appetite for going, okay, well we’re almost there. We’re almost there on our down payment. Here we go. And then we had, and it sounds silly, but then we had logistics fund, I called it, my wife called it new furniture. And so what you so well, you, you know, here’s the thing. So gentlemen, those of you listening, take note of this in particular, write this down – that your mate, when you get a new home or new location of a home will always want new furniture. I don’t know why that is. It’s not written, it’s not written on the marriage certificate, it’s not written anywhere in the, in the union partnership. It is, though, a true fact. So, so you can’t just save up for the, you know, down payment. So while they’re building the home, that’s six, eight months you save up for furniture. And so to me it’s so critical that you understand what the big vision is. And the second part to this is that each of you contribute equally whether or not each of you have the same amount of revenue you bring to the marriage. Let me talk about that for a minute. When I say equally I’m talking about proportionally. So let’s assume Lori makes $200,000 a year. I only make a hundred cuz she’s so much smarter and everything. And, that is true. So two-thirds of our, you know, savings might come from quote, your, our target would come from your revenue stream. One third would be from mine. So we each can proportionally say we did our share. You see how I’m communicating that? Because what’s important, Lori, I think is to leave the personality intact, to leave that pride intact for both of you to enjoy that day that you move into that new piece of property, home, whatever you’ve got.
JW:
And the downside would that be, would be so terrible if you came into that and one of you that makes the higher of the income would say something like, well, I did this and this is what bothers me a lot. There is no I in a union or marriage, I’m just being, being upfront with, there is no single pronoun. It’s always we. And so, you know, my wife chose to stay home with the children. That was her career before she was in marketing and the business and those things. And she said, I, you know, we talked about it and we wanted her to stay home with the children when they were young. It just got so busy that she didn’t see how she could ever go back to work cuz she got so many things to do, philanthropy and those things that she helped the kids school with. But my point I’m making with that is, and a long answer for you is the vision’s gotta be vivid. You gotta share in the way you contribute that on an equal basis based on what the revenue is coming in. And then the third thing is equal success and equal basically pride in what the outcome is. That means both of you have not just heart in it, but money in it as well as pride.
LF:
I think that’s really important. Especially when you talk about pride. I think a lot of times, especially in partnerships emotions and feelings tend to play into things, especially if you want different things and you aren’t sure exactly how you wanna communicate that, that, you know, I wanna make this purchase or I want to go on this vacation, or I want to invest in this venture. I, I think it’s really important to keep an open mind and to hear what the person is saying. And to really think about the process of these are the steps that we need. And like you said, it all starts with a goal.
JW:
Yeah, absolutely. So lemme ask you a question now. You tossed one of the hard ones at me. Here it comes. Are you wearing your, are you wearing your fighting helmet, that hard helmet you have on? You go to battle. Here we go. My question, you would be something like this in a couples of thinking. My point is, is that I would like to say, how would you face this concern that I have over how you invest money that may differ between spouses? For example, my wife may not be as opportunistic as me and I’m in the stock market, for example. And I’m not saying this is advice to anyone. I’m just telling you about Jimmy. I’m in the stock market in a much more opportunistic manner than say my wife with her retirement. Now the same person manages her money as manages mine. You’re looking at him. And so what I have to do, is treat my wife just like she’s a client of ours at Compass Capital Management and say, how do you develop risk? How do you see how you deal with risk? How do you deal with these markets? These kinds of things. And so my question I guess to you is do you think that is important as to how you invest and what those outcomes are? As a couple should you talk and have some understanding.
LF:
I think that, you know, oh, it’s really hard because I too am not a risk taker when it comes to money. I think a lot of times as adults, we tend to remember how we were raised, you know, what situations did our parents face, you know, what did we experience growing up? And a lot of times the script in our heads around money, you know, we don’t have enough or we can’t afford this or what if we have a financial crisis or in a medical emergency or a family emergency. And so I think a lot of that growing up for me was all negative. There was never anything really tied to finance or money or wealth that was positive. So as an adult, I definitely think it’s a great conversation to have with someone. If you’re like me, who in my head I know as a working adult and a contributor to, you know, our overall financial status portfolio, whatever the big financial word is.
JW:
You’re on the right track. You’re on the right track. Yeah.
LF:
Yeah. But I just, I, I think it’s important to have those conversations with someone who might not be as much of a risk taker as, as the other side of that partnership. My husband is definitely very opportunistic when it comes to those things. He is always, I always tell him, you’re pushing the envelope, you’re pushing the envelope here, you’re making me nervous. And so I think, you know, pushing us outside of our comfort zone a little bit is okay, but it all goes back to the script about money in your early years that really kind of tend to mold you. And getting away from that and saying that, you know, now I’m an adult, I can write my own script and this is the script that I choose to write. And sometimes it’s gonna be that I’m, you know, not a risk taker. And then sometimes I’m willing to jump in headfirst and say, okay, let’s do it.
JW:
You know? Absolutely. And I’m not going to shock you, but of the hundreds of families that we serve at Compass Capital Management, you’re gonna laugh. Most spouses, most not all of them, most spouses differ in the way they think the money should be invested.
LF:
It’s, it’s definitely interesting. It’s, it, it’s an interesting dynamic because you think about relationships, we talk a lot about relationships, and you think, I wanna be with someone who’s like-minded. I wanna be with someone who enjoys the same things that I enjoy. And yet again, finances is not really the first off topic when you’re trying to decide if you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone. And maybe, maybe for some people, you know, I’m, I’m completely wrong, maybe it is their, on their, you know, bucket list to check that off to make sure. But that’s the only-
JW:
That’s the lonely people that still stand in line at Starbucks to get a coffee by themselves. That’s, that’s who that is. Right? Right. Let’s not cut ourselves here, Lori. Yeah. You know you’re absolutely right. Didn’t mean to cut you off, but here’s my whole point to all of this. It’s all boiling down to communication. Now you men, we have to understand for those of you listening, that we are very good speakers and we’re not really good communicators. Now let me differentiate that, Lori, cuz Lori’s head’s shaking up and down if this were a video podcast. Yes. She’s like, you can see it, you can tell who wrote the script today, folks, really? And no, we don’t have a script. We just kind of take this thing as it comes. But here’s the point about that. You are a good speaker gentleman and not always a good communicator.
JW:
And I’ve been married, like I said, 35 plus years, and Lori, I still have to work at this because I’m running all day to and fro, you know, doing our business stuff we do or making meetings and so forth. And you just think, well, that other party, that spouse, that mate, that friend of ours, lifetime friend, whatever, somebody, they understand what I’m doing. But they really don’t because you’ve not given them any background. You’ve not given them any feedback, you’ve not allowed them to even contribute to the conversation in most cases. Right? And I’m talking there to Jimmy. So I’m highly recommending of those three big questions that we’re gonna be talking about between partners of life or spa, spouses, mates, whatever you wanna call them. Those people need to understand, they have input into what the actions will be. Right?
LF:
Very true. Very true.
JW:
So let me just talk one to the women, now. What is it with women? Stay with me here, the ladies. I’m not trying to get rude –
JW:
With Miss Lori, I’m gonna throw a hardball at her like she just did me so I can shake my head up and down. All right, Lori, what is it with women that they cannot go into a shopping center and buy the first thing they like? They have to go to 18 stores and then come back to the original store six hours later and go, that’s the one. Why is that?
LF:
You know, it’s, it’s because we have to know what’s out there. I mean, it’s kind of like what is that? They talk about fomo, fear of missing out. I definitely think that’s why women do that. We typically, 99.9% of the time always come back to the first option. But you never know. There could be a better bargain. There could be a sale. There are just numerous things that factor into that. It could be that, you know, you just, you, you’re not feeling it the first store. You gotta give yourself a little leeway there. It’s all about knowing what’s what’s out there and weighing all your options.
JW:
I’m glad you said something there. And gentlemen, I hope you picked up on that, you gotta really be listening to the nuances. Cuz communication with a woman is all about understanding the nuances. She said, you’re not picking up on the feelings. So you brought about something, something. And this isn’t a, is a slight to the ladies at all. I’m just teasing you, Lori. But here’s the point. Emotions outweigh facts. 99% of the time on a acquisition or purchase, for example, you can go look at a particular dress and I can tell my wife first store, I’ll go, woo, sweetheart, that is you. I love that dress. And she’ll say, well, I just don’t know. Well, what she’s really saying to me is, I’m just not feeling it yet. Let me get some more data. Right? Try on about, I don’t know, 13, 14, 20 dresses more. Yeah. In 13, 14, 20 different shops. And then she says, Hey, you know, that first dress at so-and-so’s, I really think that’s the one. And so we as men, you know, we just kind of gathered enough data to make a quick decision, but clothing dust may not be as important it could be as that clothing item could be to a, a major spouse, right? So, so my question here, Lori, I guess is you still haven’t really answered my question, other than it being emotional, why is it that we think differently as male versus female in relationships?
LF:
Goodness. Isn’t there a book about this? We should probably read this book.
JW:
It’s on our website now. It’s on our website.
LF:
You know, I really don’t know the answer to that, copletely. I mean, I mean, why? Because I guess if we were the same it would just be boring.
JW:
Don’t. Thank you. So see, I’m telling you what the answer is here she is on top of this, folks like you wouldn’t believe. So I will tell you, this is where I think about this. If I married someone just like me, the marriage would never last. I’m being honest. I’m being very, very honest because she’s kind of the ying to my yang, if I’m may use that term from my Asian friends. You know, they have this ying yang and you gotta all fit together and we all fit as, as one unit, as a married couple for example. But she has so much more patience in areas. I need the patience I have. So more deliberative thought where she’s sometimes more spontaneous. You know, if it’s for our children, she won’t give five minutes thought to it, she’ll just go do what?
JW:
It’s gotta be done. And me, I’m going, well wait just a minute, let’s look at our options. And she’s already too late. She’s already done the deal. That type of stuff. So Lori, I think it’s a big part of how we find the perfect mate. So here’s my criteria. Find someone that’s opposite than you. Now I’m gonna tell you Lori and her husband are totally opposites in a lot of areas. And I don’t, no, I’m not, I’m not being rude. I’m I’m being mean. I’m just saying that’s just how they work. But it works for them because they communicate very well. Am I right?
LF:
Yes. Yes. Absolutely.
JW:
So let me give you my top three, Laura, as we take today, this is the top three questions. I’m gonna give you three statements of philosophy that I think will help our listeners guide to a much better relationship in life when it comes to money between the two, two individuals. Are you ready?
LF:
I’m ready.
JW:
Number one is help yourself by making your money work for you, not against you. What I mean by that is invest prudently. Don’t try to hit a home run here and try to high buy the hottest stock that’s gonna grow 10 times in a year. Those are very hard to find and few out there, but consistently over time, investing as you know, you compound year over year before you know it, after 30 years, you got that nest egg sitting there. You live happily ever after. As my wife and I love to watch Disney shows. The second thing, understand the role money plays in your relationship. If in fact your relationship is solely based on finance money things, well, Lord, I’ve got some bad news for our listeners. You know, we’re always gonna be honest with ’em. That’s gonna be a shallow existence and very rewarding for either of you, which means it won’t last very, very long of any happiness.
JW:
And then other things happen, right? Relationships start outside that relationship. It just goes from bad to worse. That’s, that’s not good news. So, so make sure you understand the role money plays. And this is the third one. And I want everyone to take note of this. This is one I’m gonna give to Lori and Justin, my dear friends, and my co-host here. This is the number three, Lori, that’s gonna be big philosophy for you. If Lori wants to buy shoes, the number is incalculable of what she can buy, and she’s okay. And Justin’s gonna say yes to that. Is that okay? That’s my number three.
LF:
Yeah, I think number three should go to number one.
JW:
Oh! Move it up the list of priorities,
LF:
And after I, after I’m allowed to purchase said shoes what will follow that will be a quarterly budget meeting to discuss our financial goals. My husband is the type of person that that does happen in our house. It, it is quarterly. There are spreadsheets involved. There is goal setting and there are a lot of terms that I have had to learn and remember and understand. You know, they say, you know, you don’t use math and you don’t use classes that you had in college. Oh, you’ll never use this. Not true if you marry someone like my husband because it is, it is definitely on the books to happen after a big purchase of a pair of expensive shoots.
JW:
So, Lori, I’ve gotta tell you something before we conclude this show, we actually have on on our phones. We have a family FaceTime group and we have family meetings. Our curls are grown now they’re all in different cities than us and everything. And so we have family FaceTime meetings once a week and don’t laugh. Part of the agenda. Yes, I send them an agenda. Thank you folks. I know let’s geeky, but if you don’t, I have two daughters and one wife. We’ll never get to what we have to talk about.
LF:
Good communication!
JW:
Yeah, we’ll talk about everything that’s really fun to talk about, which is what they wanna do. So what I do is I send that agenda out to everybody and I get everybody on FaceTime and we just have a very wonderful communication now that goes to the unit of the family. So that’s a bonus folks. It’s not just your mate, right? If you want that family unit to be tight, you gotta have communication with those kiddos and allow them to communicate frustrations you know, happiness, you know, whatever the challenge is they’re facing, let them talk to because they’re human, just like you and I. So, Lori, I gotta say this has been a fantastic topic, I think for a lot of our listeners. You know, we got people that email us from time to time and this is a very, a big area that they’re concerned about. So Lori and I are proud to bring you some information that may be helpful just to start that conversation. There is no written plan of how to manage relationships. There’s millions of books out there of people that think they know, but every one of us is unique. And Lori, this is gonna be our new format moving forward. What, what do you think about closing this one out for us?
LF:
I’m excited about this new format. We would love to know what questions our listeners have. So feel free to send us any burning ideas that just keep you awake at night. And we will do our best to provide you some positivity, some insight, and some guidance. And we’re not showing that it will be perfect guidance, but we’re willing to give it a try. So do your best this week. Go out and live a life by design.
